AWAKENING

This morning as the sun had not yet peeked the horizon, and twilight was quickly leaving, Isaiah came into our room and climbed into bed with us. Children are so tender the moments just after awakening. I put my hand on his face and said are you happy? "Yes... I am happy Mommy" Did you have good dreams? "I did have good dreams." Did you learn anything in your dreams? "Yes, Jesus helped me learn in my dreams." What did Jesus teach you in your dreams? "Jesus taught me about the gospel." what did he teach you about the gospel? "I need to listen to him and follow his words Mommy." Did he teach you anything else? "He taught me about Nephi." Then before I could say anything else he said, "Mommy, Jesus is colorful... He is red, and blue, and yellow, and white..." and he went on and named many many colors. I asked; was his skin all these colors? "No... Not his skin, just everywhere, so many different colors mommy… bright colors, I don't think I know all of the colors that were all around him." and with that he said mommy I am hungry can you make me breakfast now? The moment was gone. 

I thought with a gentle smile about an ancestor of mine speaking moments before his passing that the colors he was seeing were so brilliant, not like any on earth... I looked at Isaiah and I thought of the blessing it is to witness this child so young and so innocent sharing such a wonderful experience. I am blessed to have this child in my life, and so grateful he has such a miraculous gift of speech to share with me in such detail the glory he saw.  

A few years ago, Jason and I were driving on Highway 101 up by the Olympic Mountains. We came around a mountain bend and we saw a vision of glory. We grabbed the camera to expectantly capture this awe of beauty coming down from the heavens. It was something you would see in a movie - but never in life. Here it is. The heavens opened. No camera tricks, just a glorious pillar of light breaking through the clouds. Hundreds of smaller rays acted almost as sentinels protecting the light.

 

We were stunned. We felt we observed something in nature that is seldom seen. The picture can only give you a tiny glimpse of the colors that were present that day. When Isaiah tried to elucidate the colors, I immediately reflected of this experience and how we viewed colors that day that were beggaring description. I wondered if I had witnessed the colors he was trying to describe? 

At the top of the picture you can see that the camera could not quite capture the radiant brilliant light. Only a second later the light had disappeared (picture 2). What a wonderful reminder this gentle child gave me this morning, brilliance is everywhere, glory is among us… Do we see it?

THE BREATH OF LIFE

It comes down to this;  having a lifelong struggle with health has made me come to a realization of how blessed we are to have trials.

Inside I sometimes want to simply give up the fight and let my health rule my life – the fact is by the end of every day I feel as though my body can’t make it even one more step, even if I don’t want to give in it seems I have. Here I am a woman who has struggled with Lupus most of my life, having effected several organs and even part of the brain stem. I have lived life and not let illness be a crutch.

That was then, but now the tipping point. With the added diagnosis of systemic scleroderma in the lungs, diaphragm, pulmonary artery and heart with pulmonary hypertension… how does it not become the front and center of your life? Every breath I take I feel, it hurts and exhausts me. How do I push this ripple to the back of my mind like I learned to do with the Lupus? How do I LIVE again when every breath is a struggle?

I am a sight to see; a permanently prednisone plumped up mother walking around with a backpack of oxygen chasing 3 babies. So nothing medically can be done – maybe a stem cell transplant from some unknown country. As a family we have discussed going overseas to get the transplant without a guarantee that it will reverse the scleroderma. Or should my faith preserve so that I can witness the miracle that was promised by a great patriarch? Or do I even understand what the miracle means? A promise that I would be “well enough” to raise my children (with the clause that states) AS I follow the treatments the doctors have placed before me? So what does that mean? I follow the Doctors but follow faith too? All truth comes from God, God is truth. But right now, there is no treatment… just more steroids, and even more steroids, oxygen, and rest. I know that others can not get answers for me, but maybe you can share your feelings with me.

At this moment when so many have prayed that I will be healed, one great church leader said to me, “I have wondered why you have not been healed? After we fasted I expected you would be healed.”  I thought about that for days on end, wondering if I was unrighteous to receive such a blessing? I wondered what the Lord needed from me. The answer came through a gentle reminder and I realized that he does rejuvenate me. Every night he heals me as I sleep giving me enough strength to get me though one more day. As each day progresses, so does my disease, and by night fall I plead with him to make me well once again. He never said I would be healed, He said I would be “well enough”. Well enough, these were the chosen words.

Through trial when I am weak at heart and I can feel each breath I take, my lowly soul has only one place to turn and that is to our maker. When I am placed through the trenches of humility and realize I am nothing without His breath, I am humbled at how fragile we really are. Our breath is a gift and we are nothing without the Lord. The Lord teaches and tutors me, and sustains me with the breath of life so that I can be that mother I so desire to be. 

AN EDEN WITHIN

Our soul, this spirit inside is our personal sanctuary. It is our sacred rest, a place on Earth that we commune and reflect upon our persona. A place of refuge that is given to us to be one with the Lord and Heavenly Father. I wonder how many of us comprehend this miracle within, is it possible? An undeviating communication with our Father and His Son that only we have access to – who are we then, do you know? Do we understand our role? Do we know the glorious nature of our Spirit? Is it not our spirit that should be offended if we allow darkness to fill our minds? Who do we become if we learn to absorb light and deflect all darkness? It is surely an awe inspired gift to have a place so sacred within. Consecrated is this gift, our own private Eden within.

LEGACY

Family is undoubtedly a magnificent gift. Through heartache and joy we grow in the midst of the familial adventure. It is through love and quiet forgiveness we achieve enormous wisdom and see the value of these souls. A legacy of so many generations tying us forever as a line of Royal Worth... Being enlightened of the tie we share is an awakening that I want to bestow to the generations to come; to love your heritage, to honor it with a respect unspoken. For me, I want my own children to know and admire these great men and women that came before us and learn to also honor such a wonderful legacy.

WE LOVE YOU!

FINDING THE FOOTING

Life twists and turns and you feel caught in a spewing wave – tumbling in a rapid spin that leaves your mind lost as to gravity or direction; no footing, no sense of direction, no ability to sustain control of the massive wave and its forceful power that has overcome you. How do you find footing in a power that is beyond the control of your personal sphere? How do you find air? How do you stop the mammoth power of the wave that tosses you? How do you stop the tumbling spin that leaves your mind faint?