THE BREATH OF LIFE

It comes down to this;  having a lifelong struggle with health has made me come to a realization of how blessed we are to have trials.

Inside I sometimes want to simply give up the fight and let my health rule my life – the fact is by the end of every day I feel as though my body can’t make it even one more step, even if I don’t want to give in it seems I have. Here I am a woman who has struggled with Lupus most of my life, having effected several organs and even part of the brain stem. I have lived life and not let illness be a crutch.

That was then, but now the tipping point. With the added diagnosis of systemic scleroderma in the lungs, diaphragm, pulmonary artery and heart with pulmonary hypertension… how does it not become the front and center of your life? Every breath I take I feel, it hurts and exhausts me. How do I push this ripple to the back of my mind like I learned to do with the Lupus? How do I LIVE again when every breath is a struggle?

I am a sight to see; a permanently prednisone plumped up mother walking around with a backpack of oxygen chasing 3 babies. So nothing medically can be done – maybe a stem cell transplant from some unknown country. As a family we have discussed going overseas to get the transplant without a guarantee that it will reverse the scleroderma. Or should my faith preserve so that I can witness the miracle that was promised by a great patriarch? Or do I even understand what the miracle means? A promise that I would be “well enough” to raise my children (with the clause that states) AS I follow the treatments the doctors have placed before me? So what does that mean? I follow the Doctors but follow faith too? All truth comes from God, God is truth. But right now, there is no treatment… just more steroids, and even more steroids, oxygen, and rest. I know that others can not get answers for me, but maybe you can share your feelings with me.

At this moment when so many have prayed that I will be healed, one great church leader said to me, “I have wondered why you have not been healed? After we fasted I expected you would be healed.”  I thought about that for days on end, wondering if I was unrighteous to receive such a blessing? I wondered what the Lord needed from me. The answer came through a gentle reminder and I realized that he does rejuvenate me. Every night he heals me as I sleep giving me enough strength to get me though one more day. As each day progresses, so does my disease, and by night fall I plead with him to make me well once again. He never said I would be healed, He said I would be “well enough”. Well enough, these were the chosen words.

Through trial when I am weak at heart and I can feel each breath I take, my lowly soul has only one place to turn and that is to our maker. When I am placed through the trenches of humility and realize I am nothing without His breath, I am humbled at how fragile we really are. Our breath is a gift and we are nothing without the Lord. The Lord teaches and tutors me, and sustains me with the breath of life so that I can be that mother I so desire to be.